Following the sudden outburst of reality TV dance shows going by creepily similar names (Got To Dance? Love To Dance? Time To Dance? What?), some genius has decided to make a UK teen dance movie brilliantly entitled, “StreetDance”. It is shot in 3D and “tells the story of a group of street dancers rehearsing for the StreetDance Championships but when they lose their rehearsal space and are forced to team up with a group of ballet dancers, the dancers are challenged to succeed in a whole new world”.
Um. You know that's the plot of like 10 other films, right?
Will somebody please tell me why on earth these flops keep being churned out? Even the spoof that looked to address the general awfulness of dance movies was terrible. Enough is enough. Dance movies have been rehashed, reworked and remixed and I refuse to watch another. They are weaving a really unoriginal web here and they must be stopped.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved Step Up 2 and I have watched Save The Last Dance more times than is healthy, however teen dance movies are honestly beginning to merge into one repetitive mash-up of dance sequences in my mind.
But for all the budding directors and people generally looking to make some easy money out there, if you too are interested in sneezing out one of these rip-offs of rip-offs here are the simple foolproof steps to do so:
1. Find some good-looking great dancers in possession of
deeply questionable acting talent.
2. Hastily make up a script with the following crucial element:
A boy/girl from the wrong side of the tracks is somehow thrown together with a girl/boy from the right side of the tracks. There must be a spark between them and if you want this can be demonstrated through a sexual dance scene.
e.g Step Up 1&2, Dirty Dancing.
3. Merge 2 dance styles in a “new” and exciting way-- that has already been done in at least 5 other dance films. Ballet plus street dance is always a favourite but you must take care to ensure that the street dancers are predominantly
urrghban black kids with heaps of attitude and/or spicy latinas and sexy latinos.
e.g. Save The Last Dance, Take The Lead and every single Bring It On movie ever made (for the purpose of these instructions, cheer movies count. Cheerleading is basically dance + gymnastics anyway.)
4. Have around 10 minutes of straight dancing for the culmination of the film, preferably at an audition or dance off between kids from opposing track sides (and please, don’t feel free to branch out).
e.g. You Got Served and Make It Happen
Ok, let's get to the point: the main problem with the dance movies of these times is that the acting and/or the storyline are really half-assed. It's simple - amazing dancing will never make up for poor lines à la “What do you want Sarah? Do you want Juilliard? Then you must DANCE!” and other more cringe-inducing rubbish. The pretty decent acting is what made Step Up 2 for me, while Jessica Alba’s insincere ballet teacher harbouring a secret desire to be a hip hop video choreographer (seriously,
wtf guys?) meant that, despite using basketball moves to make an awesome dance, Honey still makes me want to gag. I can only hope that StreetDance will not follow in the dance steps of its predecessors and instead,
bring it. But with a plot like that, I highly doubt that even its 3D-ness and George Sampson starring as “the loveable Eddie” could save it.
