A Letter To... Remakes

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Dear The People Remaking Shit That Should Have Been Left Well Alone,

"Hey did you hear they’re remaking... [Insert the name of every half decent film ever made here, please.]"

O film industry, what the fuck happened? When did your originality decide to piss off, reducing you to not only desperately scrambling for some book to make a half-assed adaptation of but also remaking any film that was ever even sort of maybe slightly kinda liked. And not just the ones that were made 50 years ago, no. I’m talking about the ones that were only made in the 80s and 90s!

Who told you the Karate Kid needed to be redone? And what, no seriously what in the hell possessed you redo it with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith?

...Was this an inside joke...?

And to whoever is personally responsible for crapping up good memories of Ten Things I Hate About You by presenting that*- um, what the hell man? What was that?

I genuinely could go on for pages, but I think you get it.

Hear this, original screenplays are not illegal you know. So stop attempting to scrape whatever money you can from ripping off something good. It’s kind of pathetic. I’m feeling embarrassed for you.

One last note, if you allow Zac Efron to carry out his wishes of remaking Back to the Future, I will stop sharing your unbearable shame and just come over there and bitch-slap you.

Watch it.

*It was remade into a TV series not another film. But the show was deeply crap. So it definitely deserves to be in here.

A Letter To... My Schoolmates

Send in a letter about something you want to get something off your chest.
(After the sweetness of my last post, I suppose it's time balance that out. Don't take this too seriously if you go to my school and have somehow found your way here)

Dear Schoolmates,

There are so many things I’ve always wanted to tell you. I just didn’t know how to put my feelings into words. I wish we could have gotten along better, spent more time together. Maybe then I would have had the courage to say all these things that have just been burning up inside me. I’m writing to you now because it's hurting too much to keep this from you. I'm writing because I can't take the thought of saying this out loud and I don't know any other way to let you into my heart. I hope you understand and know that I will always love you*. Here goes…

The thing is, Uggs are not the only shoe. I’d go on to say please stop constantly fucking up your outfits with this boot, if it wasn’t for my next point which is-

Abercrombie and Fitch, and Jack Wills are not the only two stores in existence. There’s a whole world out there. I’d be happy to show you.

Twilight and New Moon, the books and films, were not that good. Robert Pattinson is also not that hot. You totally saw him in Harry Potter and you didn’t give a crap about him then so why now? It’s because you’re projecting your fantasy of a dating hot, pasty 107 year old boy onto him, that's why. And don't you think that’s kind of weird? So please stop wearing hoodies that say “Property Of Edward Cullen” and ink tattooing yourself with the words “Bite Me”. You’re making all the sane people feel deeply uncomfortable.

I wish you would stop pretending to be more drunk than you actually are at parties just so you can kiss that guy your friend likes and do c-raaaaaazzzy things so you can have “great” stories to tell on the next school day. More than that, I pray you stop talking about what a wild night you had and how wasted you got, ’cause everybody knows you only had half a drink.

Listen carefully: "gay" is not an insult. Don't make me slap you.

I know we’re in an all-girls school, but you don’t have to gain respect by talking about boys like you’re an authority on the subject. Going on about how much easier they are to hang out with than girls because they’re "so much more chilled out" is just insulting given that your audience is entirely composed of girls. It’s also plain stupid since we've all seen that you're that girl - the one who acts annoyingly flirty when hanging out with guys, which simply makes them want you to piss off, ’cause they’re trying to chill out here, alright?

Schoolmates, I'm sorry to end on such a sad note, but there is one last thing that I need to tell you because it's weighing down on me so heavily I fear it may crush the last breath out of me if I don't say to you now: please stop deluding yourselves that omfg Skins is just sooooo amazing cos its just like a breath of fresh air on british tv you know i mean like it just actually represents the lives of us teens and its like totally not afraid to show what we get up to....  Um, WHAT THE F---?!! Seriously guys? Seriously. As much as I loved Skins (series 1 & a bit of 2), it does not represent your life, don't lie. If you lived in that world you would not be sitting on your ass on a thursday night watching fictional kids have a wild time, you'd be coked up somewhere getting wild yourself. And y'all know it.

*not all of you. And not always for some of you.